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Το πρωί του Σαββάτου μου το έφτιαξε ο καλός μου φίλος ο Μενέλαος (Τζαφάλιας), Λονδινιώτης και αστραφτερός τω πνεύματι, ο οποίος ανέλαβε να βάλει στη θέση του τον Τζέρεμυ Κλάρκσον οπλισμένος με φαρμακερό χιούμορ. Απολαύστε το ημεηλ που έλαβα η ευτυχής πριν λίγο.
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BBC Top Gear presenter and Sun newspaper columnist Jeremy Clarkson
saved millions of innocent British tourists from holiday hell by
alerting them to the fact that Greek women have moustaches and Greece
is a toilet.
Mr Clarkson was flushed with patriotic fervour as he plopped a
devilishly foul little nugget of wise-ass wisdom on page eleven in the
paper’s 8 November edition, gleefully taking the piss out of a new and
dangerously deceptive campaign promoting Greek tourism.
Shockingly, as evidenced by the ‘yachgate’ affair that a few weeks ago
rocked the UK establishment, many distinguished members of British
society have fallen prey to Greece’s duplicitous charms and spent a
considerable part of their summer there.
Among these are Sun owner Rupert Murdoch and Sun editor Rebekah Wade,
as well as prominent politicians and businessmen, such as Business
Secretary Peter Mandelson, Conservative leader David Cameron, shadow
chancellor George Osborne and banking heir Nat Rothschild.
They are all grateful to Mr Clarkson for making it clear to them that
someone had pulled the wool over their eyes.
Surely, somewhere, somehow this person was a seedy Russian, most
likely one of the Oligarchic persuasion.
Incidentally, Greek wool is coarser, oilier, darker and less sweetly
scented than English, Welsh and Scottish Wool.
There is no consensus as to whether Northern-Irish wool officially can
be classified as worthy of UK status.
Mr Clarkson’s heroic feat rests on his astute powers of observation
and a mind that constantly seeks to root out injustice, to the benefit
and glory of the credit-crunched British consumer.
“My eye was caught this week by an advertising hoarding at the side of
the road. It was from the Greek tourist board urging us all to take
our summer holiday in Greece this year,” wrote Mr Clarkson in last
Saturday’s Sun.
The image of a beautiful woman enjoying the sun from the deck of a
luxury boat, under azure skies, was not enough to tickle Mr Clarkson’s
tight blue-jeaned fancy nor cloud his well-documented moral
steadfastness in matters of the flesh.
He became immediately aware of the harmful consequences this
fraudulent picture could have on the lives of millions of British
holidaymakers in the not-too-distant future.
As an Englishman he knew it was his duty to protect his fellow
countrymen from making the irreparable error of visiting Greece in the
summer of 2009.
So he bravely began his attack by pointing out that the scantily clad
model did not look “all that Greek” because “she did not have a
moustache for instance”.
Mr Clarkson’s remarkable reasoning resonated in a text of splendid
brevity, reminiscent of the work of the ancient Greek philosopher
Heracleitus.
From a single dialectical construction relating to the hairy growth
one allegedly encounters on the not-so-stiff upper lips of Greek
women, Clarkson concluded that Greece is a toilet.
What he selflessly and humbly refrained from mentioning in his column
was that at the moment of this revelation, he was fighting off another
chronic attack of yobbish grumpiness, aggravated by again being stuck
in traffic with nothing better to do than ogle billboards.
His only consolation was that by keeping the car’s engine running, it
would consume even more fuel than usual, thereby enraging pinko
environmentalists.
For more than a decade, such zealots have incessantly prosecuted Mr
Clarkson for his religious beliefs in the Holy Trinity of Diesel,
Unleaded and Nitro.
In the hope of raising money for charity, Mr Clarkson also seized the
opportunity to squeeze out several newspaper columns, book chapters
and televised sketches from this simple incident.
All he had to do was look out of his car window.
Mr Clarkson’s favourite charity is called Puffy-Haired Lanky Lads.
However, this series of noble actions sparked an unexpected row among
the Greek community, here and abroad.
Many Greeks failed to understand Mr Clarkson’s inspired efforts to
protect the gullible British tourist and they duly protested in a
humourless and rather uncivilised manner, keeping in character with
the Greek stereotype.
Some even implied that Mr Clarkson was wrong in his views and threw
racial slurs at a man who follows in the tradition of Isaac Newton,
albeit when too heavy an apple fell on his head.
John Kaponi, editor of the London Daily News website, which is based
in England, said Clarkson’s article was “racist and insensitive” and
went so far as to report the Sun to the Press Complaints Commission
(PCC).
See: http://www.thelondondailynews.com/jeremy-clarkson-racist-greece-toilet-comments-p-1724.html.
A high-ranking official at the UK press watchdog, who chose to remain
anonymous for reasons of official secrecy, said: “Mr Kaponi should
hold his Greek pony before it turns into a Trojan horse for those who
favour a muzzled press”.
He also said the PCC would have “no choice” but to set Daily Mail
editor Paul Dacre on Mr Kaponi to “set him straight but in a nice
way”.
“We have no tolerance for Nazi-inspired thinking,” said the PCC spokesperson.
North London chippie owner Smelios Salmonellopoulos made caustic
remarks and said he would raise a big stink: “He say Greece izza
toilet? Well, ‘e should know, ’cause he’s a little sheet! He say
Greece izza toilet ’cause he’s an’ ol’ fart!”
Mr Salmonellopoulos added that he would be naming a new dish after Mr
Clarkson. It consists of reheated, flaky and tasteless white residue,
served with lashings of HP sauce.
Not all UK-based Greeks were as explicitly and inexplicably critical.
A Greek woman by the name of Pandora writing in the Independent
newspaper gave a balanced account of fact and opinion but in the end
could not restrain herself from blatantly propagandising the Greek
tourism minister’s imminent visit to London.
She described the event as “delightful”.
See: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/pandora/pandora-location-dilemma-for-rushdies-film-1009582.html.
The Foreign Office could not be reached for comment as to the possible
diplomatic implications of Mr Clarkson’s article for Greece-UK
relations.
All FO staff have been evacuated ever since the outbreak of the South
Ossetia conflict because of an implosive plumbing problem in the
building.
From the Greek side, a quasi-diplomatic source who in the past was
close to the Greek Embassy in Pakistan, said: “As a Greek, I know
fully well that my country is far from perfect and quite a few Greek
women do have moustaches – some of them even have beards!”
He preferred to remain anonymous, trying to ape the behaviour of
high-ranking UK officials.
Greek shipping magnate and Greek business community leader Stelios
Lotofoilopoulos, said: “We can take criticism and love a good joke. It
was my friend Taki who coined the phrase ‘the olive republic’ when he
wrote about Greece in the Times and the Spectator. But ‘toilet’ is a
bit rich.”
“Maybe that is all binge-drinking tourists like Mr Clarkson get to see
when they come to Greece. He should ask his boos Rupert Murdoch why he
came to the Greek island of Santorini last summer.”
As for Mr Clarkson’s remarks about Greek women, Mr Lotofoilopoulos
said: “He appears to be an expert on moustachioed Greek women. Does he
finds such women in his bed when he wakes up after a night of
binge-drinking?”
“I hate to sound sexist but women with moustaches just wouldn’t get
invited on my yacht. So the image the Greek tourism board used is an
authentic reflection of Greece.
“Greece is a small country and it may not build too many boats. But we
Greeks do own quite a few ships – and boats,” said Mr Lotofoilopoulos.
Pavlos Markou, a Greek engineering student at London’s Imperial
College said: “I just love Top Gear. Jeremy Clarkson’s great. But he
should stick to cars. Or Greek drivers. We’re shit in that respect.
And yeah, we burn our forests and build cement house everywhere.”
“But, you know, it’s not the first time Jeremy says bad things about Greeks.
“I was watching some reruns on Dave the other night. Old stuff.
Clarkson had a mullet. You know? And he was ranting about Greek men,
how they steal English women from their English boyfriends. Is that
what happened to him? Is that why he’s so bitter?”
According to Maudsley Hospital psychiatrist Dr Rodney Donberton, the
truth seems to run deeper than is apparent.
He said: “In his article, the first thing Jeremy Clarkson notices
about the advertising hoarding is that ‘it showed a boat that
definitely wasn’t made in Greece.’”
“Only then does he mention the woman in the foreground. It’s as if he
hasn’t seen her. He then talks about what she isn’t, not what she is.
“He has before him a beautiful and sexy woman and all he can think of
is women with moustaches and where the boat was made. In the end he
mentions a toilet. I find it all slightly worrying.
“Many men who experience erectile dysfunction due to prostate problems
also have a tendency to become constipated.
“The toilet becomes a symbol of unconsummated sexual desire, the
yearning to be able to perform, overcome the blockage. I hope it is
not the case for Jeremy Clarkson.”
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